Friday, April 14, 2006
What's going on?
I'm mighty pissed!
Yesterday, I heard about a close friend who's been forced to get engaged to a guy chosen by her parents. Now, she was already going around with another guy (who's also a friend of mine) for more than 5 years. They both tried to make her parents see sense, but to no avail.
Things like "In our community, we will face so many questions", "He is from a different community", "If you marry an outsider, it will be a problem for your younger sisters and cousins" and other assorted inanities. I fail to understand this narrow, myopic thinking which is regressive to say the least. She has been placed under so much emotional pressure that she finally has acceded to their demand, that she marry a person from their community.
In all of this, there is no consideration towards the relationship she has already. Is it some kind of magic wand that they are going to wave across her face and make her forget the past? I'm sure she will carry snapshots of earlier times in her head. How does she reconcile them to a now repressed reality?
And one more thing in this sorry state of affairs is the role of the mother. Her mother is completely deferential towards what the father's views are. She is unable to put in a word which goes otherwise. The strange thing is that I've seen it in more unfortunate cases too. In a way the mother completes the cycle. Most probably, she never had a say in getting married to a stranger. And the brainwashing she has gone through, right from her childhood to the day she sees her daughter getting married, has made her so weak, that she hardly can put her foot down. So, even if she feels for her daughter, through her silence, she perpetuates this practice.
As for my friend, I don't know what I can say to her. Consolation has no meaning when I know what the truth behind it all is. I've heard her problems out for the last few years. To see this scenario unfolding, is sad and frustrating to say the least.
So I wake in the morning and I step outside
And I take a deep breath and I get real high
And I scream from the top of my lungs
What's goin'on
- 4 Non Blondes
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aah.. now then that reminds me of a story which is so close to me..
yeah right, my own.. this gal you said seems to be either a non hindu or a non muslim or something which has atleast two religions involved.. but when i think about myself and my gf its the same religion but i still cant be bold enought to convince my own family.. infact i cant even be maverick enough (yeah it isnt a hyperbole trust me) to even tell them that i have a gf...
they assume i might, a si have been studyin in states for past 3 years, but they still believe i will come back and marry some one my caste and specifically my caste.. and that sucks.. but when i am so agitated at people like the lady you just mentioned who couldnt come up with enough courage, how can i define myself who is deemed to succumb to the pressures of those who have invested in me and my career..
and no matter how horrible other people might think of that lady or me and many more desi's who fall in that category, we all end up keeping at least TWO people (i wouldnt wana believe any relatives or family are even intersted in my life apart from gossips) happy.. and probably thats what we have been taught..
to pay heed to what being said.. to show defrence to elders.. to bow.. to give it up..
welcome to the complexities of life...
yeah right, my own.. this gal you said seems to be either a non hindu or a non muslim or something which has atleast two religions involved.. but when i think about myself and my gf its the same religion but i still cant be bold enought to convince my own family.. infact i cant even be maverick enough (yeah it isnt a hyperbole trust me) to even tell them that i have a gf...
they assume i might, a si have been studyin in states for past 3 years, but they still believe i will come back and marry some one my caste and specifically my caste.. and that sucks.. but when i am so agitated at people like the lady you just mentioned who couldnt come up with enough courage, how can i define myself who is deemed to succumb to the pressures of those who have invested in me and my career..
and no matter how horrible other people might think of that lady or me and many more desi's who fall in that category, we all end up keeping at least TWO people (i wouldnt wana believe any relatives or family are even intersted in my life apart from gossips) happy.. and probably thats what we have been taught..
to pay heed to what being said.. to show defrence to elders.. to bow.. to give it up..
welcome to the complexities of life...
Story of a typical Indian household. Somewhat my story too :(
On a lighter note, one of the reasons for this phenomenon could be your previous post as well - to avoid complicated surnames - atleast in my community, mostly people with the same surname marry...
On a lighter note, one of the reasons for this phenomenon could be your previous post as well - to avoid complicated surnames - atleast in my community, mostly people with the same surname marry...
Vijay - Yeah, as you say, it must be tough when you are in that situation. Anyway, hope you get your way and keep everyone happy somehow too..
the older generation being what it is this is to be expected from them. but what excuse can u give to urself for succumbing to such pressure.
i might have a rather strong opinion but the girl takes the good part of the blame. if you cant stand up for urself, u bloody well cant stand up for anybody or anything else in life.
nishant
i might have a rather strong opinion but the girl takes the good part of the blame. if you cant stand up for urself, u bloody well cant stand up for anybody or anything else in life.
nishant
# posted by 
: April 27, 2006 12:04 PM
: April 27, 2006 12:04 PM
Is the girl to be blamed? I don't think so. If she goes against her parents' force and leaves them, then her sisters might get affected. Poor girl, give her some thought. Fighting against the world is easy only in words.
Are the parents to be blamed? Yes. But I would put a bigger blame on the society. It is afterall the fear of the society that is making the parents force their daughter. It is people in the society who shun the other daughters coz the elder one did something that pleased herself. But Kunal, there is hope with the newer generation having a wider perspective of life.
Are the parents to be blamed? Yes. But I would put a bigger blame on the society. It is afterall the fear of the society that is making the parents force their daughter. It is people in the society who shun the other daughters coz the elder one did something that pleased herself. But Kunal, there is hope with the newer generation having a wider perspective of life.
it's convenient to blame the society because then we get the excuse of doing nothing about our state of affairs. there are only two choices in this world, either accept things are wrong and do something about it or submit youself to ur fate and blame the whole world.
# posted by : May 02, 2006 4:53 PM
: May 02, 2006 4:53 PM
Reading this story, I remembered my friend’s story.
Let me tell you female perspective of this story. Woman is in born a mother .She knows more of giving and loving man coming her way. When a girl is in love, she is hopelessly in love but when she moves out of the whole scene and gets married to other, she is the same loving and caring to her husband the way she was for the guy. So for girls it is comparatively easier.
Persoanally i would say the girl didnt have enough guts to choose guy over society.
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Let me tell you female perspective of this story. Woman is in born a mother .She knows more of giving and loving man coming her way. When a girl is in love, she is hopelessly in love but when she moves out of the whole scene and gets married to other, she is the same loving and caring to her husband the way she was for the guy. So for girls it is comparatively easier.
Persoanally i would say the girl didnt have enough guts to choose guy over society.
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